What Support Looks Like
The advice to have a solid support network is something that is commonly recommended for anxiety, but it really is key to healing anxiety. Because support plays such an important role in healing anxiety, I have a whole chapter dedicated to it in my book, Bold Trust. In the last episode of my podcast, I discussed how to create a solid support network, since quality support is essential for healing. In this blog I’ll go into more detail about what support looks and feels like.
Unsupportive People Are Not a Support System
I thought I was supported when I first started to heal anxiety, however I quickly discovered that what I thought of as my support network was actually holding me back. The people in these personal, professional, and business relationships were not interested in supporting me. The sad truth is that some of these people did not want me to do well; they wanted me to fail. If I wasn’t doing well, they didn’t offer support, often treating me like I was a burden. And I wouldn’t hear from them again until they needed support. Reflecting on these relationships today, it’s hard to know that some of the people were part of my inner circle.
When you’re surrounded by dysfunctional and unsupportive relationships, that’s all you know. It’s difficult to know and understand what real support is when you haven’t experienced it firsthand. And if you have anxiety, there’s a good chance that you’re surrounded by unsupportive relationships.
“Anxiety is an indicator that there is a significant lack of support in your life and cracks in your foundation. Inadequate support feels like you’ve been carrying around leaden weights that are holding you down and maybe even drowning you. You probably don’t even realize you’re carrying around dead weights because you’ve become accustomed to them. It’s all you know.” –Bold Trust
In unsupportive relationships you may have been led to believe that you’re the issue and that your needs are negotiable. When you start to understand what real support is and why it’s important, you can begin to unravel the gaslighting and see that you never were the issue. Seeing the truth about unsupportive relationships can feel painful (it was for me), while at the same time freeing. The ability to see the true dynamics at play in unsupportive and dysfunctional relationships is an opportunity to set yourself free.
Identifying Unsupportive Relationships
Unsupportive and dysfunctional relationships are not healthy for you. This includes personal, professional, and business relationships. They take a toll on your physical and mental health, consuming your energy, time, and money. In unsupportive relationships, the allotment of support is not equitably distributed. In these dysfunctional dynamics you’re putting in most, if not all the effort, while getting minimal or no support when you need it. Below are five signs that a relationship may be unsupportive.
1. It feels transactional.
There’s an enormous amount of pressure in any personal relationship that feels transactional. You’ll never be fully supported in any relationship (friend, partner, or family member) that feels transactional because the person keeping score usually does so in a way to ensure they’re always receiving more support—the scales will always be in their favor. Someone who always reminds you that they supported you that one time is not really supporting you. They’re being manipulative.
2. You’re criticized.
Any relationship where you’re constantly criticized or insulted is completely unsupportive. Communicating your needs in a relationship is not critical when done constructively and from a place of truth and integrity, such as setting a boundary. However, if you’re criticized for your looks, clothes, job, or anything along those lines, it’s dismissive and manipulative.
3. They’re competing.
Someone who is competing with you is unsupportive of you. There’s healthy competition and unhealthy competition. Healthy competition is playing a board game with a friend or family member. Unhealthy competition is when the other person can’t celebrate your successes with you and may even want to see you fail. A relationship that doesn’t offer support when you’re down and can’t celebrate your successes is unsupportive and dysfunctional.
4. They’re a no show.
You’re in an unsupportive relationship when there’s no support or offer of support when you’re going through a tough time. They’re also not supporting you if they offer a sliver of support while making a big show it, broadcasting their support to make themselves look good. Neither of these is true support. Anyone who doesn’t fully show up for you when you need support is unreliable.
5. You feel uncomfortable.
Observe how you feel in your different relationships. Feelings of discomfort don’t mean that something is off with you, but that your intuition is picking up on dysfunction in the relationship. Even though everything may appear perfect, trust your feelings because perfect doesn’t exist. Even though supportive relationships are never perfect, you tend to feel good overall in them.
Supportive Relationships
In supportive relationships, you feel seen and heard as your needs are also prioritized. Supportive relationships are the backbone to healing, allowing you to focus on yourself and your growth. They help distribute the weight of your problems so that they’re not entirely on your shoulders. Supportive relationships ground you, reminding you that you’re not alone. Bigger isn’t necessarily better with respect to your support network as smaller is often more solid and reliable. Below are five things to look for in supportive relationships.
1. Your needs are met.
This is the most important aspect of a supportive relationship. While supportive relationships aren’t always equal all the time, you’ll be receiving a lot more support than you did in unsupportive relationships. If you’ve been in mostly unsupportive relationships, it might feel uncomfortable at first to receive support, but it’s important to allow yourself to also be supported.
2. You’re valued.
“Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.” I recently posted this on Instagram, and it means to surround yourself with supportive relationships where you’re appreciated for who you are rather than for what you can do for them. In supportive relationships, there’s no expectation for you to change to accommodate others. You’re valued as you are.
3. There’s transparency.
Transparency creates trust in supportive relationships. Open and honest communication sets the groundwork for transparency which builds trust. Transparency doesn’t mean things are perfect but instead means you feel settled and at peace with a relationship, knowing that what you see is what you get. There are no hidden agendas or biases.
4. You feel safe.
The ultimate goal in supportive relationships is to feel physically and emotionally safe so that you can shift into a parasympathetic state where you’re no longer in fight, flight or shut down mode. Your body heals and repairs itself physically and emotionally when you feel safe. The break from adrenaline alone is enough to see a major shift in your healing (read my blog, Anxiety and the Adrenaline Cycle). You’ll feel more relaxed and comfortable letting your guard down and interacting from a place of authenticity in relationships where you feel safe and supported.
5. Healthy boundaries.
Supportive relationships have clear boundaries, protecting you and your needs. They help both parties to feel safe and secure in the relationship establishing the parameters and expectations of the relationship. Boundaries also help create transparency.
Learning how to discern which relationships are supportive and which ones are holding you down is an important life skill that will help you beyond healing anxiety. Releasing unsupportive relationships makes room for you to invest in supportive relationships. Trust yourself, when discerning who’s supportive. Your initial gut feeling about someone is usually right.
Some of the relationships you don’t feel supported in may require a conversation, or a series of conversations, about what you need to feel fully supported in that relationship. You may need to let go of other relationships where a conversation won’t help. By releasing all toxic and unsupportive relationships, you create room for the real support you deserve. Surround yourself with supportive relationships to profoundly promote your healing and growth.
In addition to the information in this blog, I’ve written a two other blogs, Toxic Therapy and Toxic Spiritual Support, that provide extra clarity about what to look for in these support sectors.
My book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety is now available for purchase here.