Time to Quit

I tend to be loyal to a fault. In the past, I’ve stayed in unsupportive business and personal relationships, friendships, and situations past their prime even though my needs were not being met. I’ve stayed in unhealthy situations until it got really bad, enduring things rather than enjoying myself. Healing anxiety means prioritizing my needs, even if it means quitting.  

In my last blog, No More Hiding, I shared why my husband and I pulled our daughter from her dance studio. We lost trust in the director when she became verbally abusive and felt that our daughter wasn’t physically or emotionally safe dancing at the studio. This blog covers another important lesson I’ve learned from this experience—when it's time to quit.

Before we pulled our daughter from the dance studio, we had already decided that she wouldn’t continue to dance at the studio the following year. We planned on her finishing dance this year with the end-of-the-year performance and then not return in the summer or fall. Because my daughter was the lead dancer in the year-end recital, we (my daughter, my husband, and I) wanted my daughter to fulfill her commitments and then quietly leave without any drama.

You’re Allowed to Change Your Mind

After the holidays when my daughter returned to dance, I noticed that she seemed stressed and not herself. When I checked in with her, she confirmed it wasn’t school (she’s homeschooled) and that it was dance. My daughter and I stayed up late that night talking about the toxic dynamics playing out at the studio which were understandably affecting her enjoyment of dance.

Before this conversation with my daughter, she was planning on dancing until she graduated from high school. It was the logical progression since she’s been dancing since she was five years old. However, she’s always known that she doesn’t want to dance in college or as a career, and instead wants to be part of a collegiate horseback riding team/club and study to be an equine veterinarian. Dance was something she did for fun, except she wasn’t having fun anymore.

In fact, she was experiencing signs of stress including some mild anxiety, eczema, and increased acne. Seeing the effects from the physical and emotional stress of dancing at this studio was heartbreaking for me as her mom.

After our late-night conversation, I had an epiphany that my daughter is allowed to change her mind. Even though she’s been dancing for the last 10 years and was planning on dancing a couple more years, she can change her mind, especially if she’s not having fun. She’s young and exploring her talents and interests and these can and will change. Something that was supposed to be fun, but in reality was stressful, was no longer worth it. It wasn’t worth the time, energy, money, and stress.

Since you’re forever evolving, you’re allowed to change your mind. Just because you’ve been doing something for a while, doesn’t mean you have to stick with it, especially if it’s unhealthy for you. It’s not worth the time, money, or your health if it’s not enjoyable. Your journey through life requires you to pivot and sometimes completely change course.

A Time to Quit

This epiphany was a huge wake-up call for me since I tend to be loyal to fault. We could have, and probably should have, taken my daughter out of dance simply because she was no longer enjoying herself. We didn’t have to fulfill any commitment or wait for a more serious issue (which I discussed in No More Hiding) to be the deal breaker. Not having fun is enough of a reason to quit when the initial purpose was to have fun.

In our culture, there are negative views about quitting and I get it. There are certainly times to persevere, to stick it out, and to commit yourself. But our society puts an enormous amount of pressure on people to not quit once they’ve committed to something or someone. However, there are times when the best option is to quit.

The way our society reveres those who stay committed in relationships and situations has a downside. This mindset is extreme because it encourages people to stay in unhealthy relationships and environments. This mentality encourages people to stay in abusive situations even though it’s wreaking havoc on their physical and mental health.

This severe view of quitting also downplays your own needs. If you’re dealing with a reasonable person, an open conversation can help to clarify what your needs and expectations are. But if you’re dealing with a toxic person or environment, an open conversation probably won’t have much of an impact or even worse, it may make you more of a target for their abuse. Simply put, if your needs are not being met then it’s OK to move on.

“Some of the worst advice is to never quit. Or don’t’ ever give up. Knowing when to quit and move on takes true self-awareness. Quitting opens you up to what you’re truly meant to do. Wise people let go when they need to.” - @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram

Knowing When to Quit

Reflecting on our decision to take my daughter out of dance, I can see that there were signs showing us that it was time to quit. There were signs that I overlooked and some signs that I saw and understood, but was hoping that I was wrong. Below are some things to be aware of in any relationship or environment. By themselves, they aren’t necessarily clear signs to quit but may indicate you should reevaluate the situation and gather more information.

Lack of Joy

My daughter enjoys dancing, but was losing that joy while at her last studio because of her toxic teacher. As with my daughter and dance, if you’re no longer enjoying the situation or environment you’re in, it may be time to quit. Especially if the purpose is to have fun, to relax, or to learn something new. It’s not worth your time, energy, or money if it’s not bringing you joy. Your enjoyment is important.

Poor Sleep

Has the quality of your sleep been affected by this situation? Toxic people and environments can negatively impact the quality of your sleep, and poor sleep can weaken your immune system, nervous system, and endocrine system. Neither my daughter nor I slept well during her last few months of dance. My daughter was experiencing intense dreams that affected her sleep, and I was so worried about her that I wasn’t sleeping well. Now that she’s no longer at that studio, we are both thankfully sleeping well again.

Signs of Stress

As I talked about above, my daughter was showing emotional and physical signs of distress. She developed eczema, increased acne, poor sleep, and mild anxiety. Two weeks after leaving the studio, her eczema and acne have mostly cleared up, she’s sleeping soundly again, and she no longer has anxiety. Are you showing any signs of physical or emotional stress from a toxic relationship or environment such as anxiety, depression, fatigue, or high blood pressure? Stress affects everyone differently, so take note of any physical or emotional changes you’ve experienced.

Feeling Trapped

For my daughter, dance was a year-round commitment with very little time off. This was not an issue until it was no longer fun, and then it started to feel burdensome. Because she was feeling burnt out, dance was no longer something my daughter looked forward to. Instead, she felt trapped, like she had to keep going and couldn’t take a break for fear of a backlash from the director. If you’re feeling trapped in any situation, it may be time to quit. Feeling trapped is a sign that it’s not healthy for you. When you have anxiety, your soul craves freedom and anything that makes you feel trapped will only impede your growth and healing.

Lack of Growth

Are there opportunities for growth? Are you learning and experiencing new things? Does this relationship or environment mostly uplift you or bring you down?  My daughter was disappointed that she wasn’t learning and growing in her ballet classes with the dance director. Growth, however, that looks for you, is a natural progression and anything that doesn’t support your growth is not a good fit.

Divine Signs

We had many signs from the divine that it was time to move on from dance, the biggest sign being our horse.  A few days after we decided my daughter would discontinue dance, we were offered an amazing deal on the beautiful horse my daughter has been riding and training this past year. Since my daughter wants to continue riding in college, this horse was definitely a gift from the divine supporting her in her decision to quit dance. Beforehand, I wouldn’t have thought about ever owning a horse because my daughter was so busy with dance. Surprisingly, we now have more free time owning a horse than when my daughter was dancing.

If you’re debating whether to quit something, know that something bad or significant doesn’t have to happen first. If a relationship or situation doesn’t feel peaceful, freeing, or good you should probably take a closer look to see if this is the best situation for you. Prioritize your needs because you deserve joy. I’d love to hear in the comments your experiences with quitting.

My book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety is now available for purchase here.