Seeing the Truth

One of the hardest things for me on my journey to heal anxiety has been seeing the truth of who people really are. Not who I want them to be or who say they are, seeing people for who they really are no matter how disappointing it is.

It would be so much easier to believe that the world we live in and the people who live in it are good and kind. But this isn’t the truth. The truth is the world is not always fair or kind and some people are selfish and cruel. My blog, A Weekend Victory, shares another similar experience.

Gaslighting myself into believing that everyone near and dear to me: people I respected, valued, and loved, were good people with good intentions despite what their actions and words demonstrated was wreaking havoc on my mental health. Believing these false narratives and blindly accepting them even though my gut was telling me otherwise broke down trust in my body.

Understanding the truth about narcissists is tough work. At times it feels like this process of uncovering layers of truth will never end. However, seeing the truth about who these people really are allows me to create my own narrative and my own truth and teaches me to trust my intuition which is restoring trust in my body. Doing so has restored trust in my mind, body, and soul and is healing my anxiety.

This year, on my birthday another layer of truth was revealed. I had a very nice birthday, spending time with my husband and all three of our kids. The relationship I gained extra clarity about, however, was with my mother. This year my mother left me a very nice voicemail message on my birthday. When I returned her call, she continued to be pleasant and motherly, which is unusual for her and what I always wanted from her.

Healing anxiety demands that I bravely face the truth about the people in my life. And because of all the invalidation and gaslighting I’ve received from my mother for my entire life, I knew her kindness was superficial and temporary. I used to fall for her short-lived kindness and conditional love because those rare and sporadic moments of recognition and validation felt so good, like a drop of water when you’re dying of thirst in a dessert.

What took me years to realize is that while that drop of water feels great in the moment, it’s not nearly enough to sustain me. My cup was empty, and I desperately needed water – the entire glass. I learned through self-care and boundaries how to keep my glass full of water. My self-care and boundaries ensure that I have my own sustainable source of potable water so that my glass is always full.

This year on my birthday my cup was full, ensuring that my mother’s “kindness” didn’t delude me. I felt like a thriving rain forest instead of a dry desert, and her drop of water certainly didn’t hurt my rain forest, but it didn’t really impact it either. And when her drop of water evaporates (because it eventually will), there’s enough sustainable water in my rain forest that keeps me vibrant.

A few days later I spoke with my mother again and found out the reason behind her “kindness.” I use kindness in quotes because it was not real kindness. It was fake kindness she used with the intention to manipulate me to get her own way. Unsurprisingly, she wanted something from me. She wanted my family and me to pay an insane amount of money to go on a two-week cruise with her to her destination of choice.

While talking with her, or rather her talking at me, she validated me for a moment, acknowledging that I work hard (another drop of water), which she’s never done before. Then she proceeded to tell me how this trip would be good for me and how I really needed this trip. Her presumptions about what she thought was good for me really made me angry because she doesn’t know me at all. How can you know someone when you’ve invalidated and gaslit them their whole life?

However, I realized another harsh truth the day after I spoke with her — she knows what to do to be a good mother but has chosen otherwise. I used to think that maybe she didn’t know better and maybe some of us are wired to be good parents and some aren’t, that she was just clueless and didn’t have the skills. But the fact that she pretended to be kind in order to manipulate me is proof that she knows better.

I was giving her the benefit of the doubt which, according to Dr. Ramani, psychologist, author, and expert in the field of narcissism, is code for enabling. Giving her the benefit of the doubt resulted in me gaslighting myself. And I can’t count how many times others have also gaslit me about narcissists, making excuses, saying they don’t know any better, or that’s just who they are. I was adhering to a narrative that was not my own. I was abandoning myself, blindly accepting the narrative others were feeding me, without even checking in with myself to see what my truth was.

“Anxiety is the unconscious and continual gaslighting of yourself while making yourself small to accommodate others.” - Tricia Easter, from my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety

The truth that narcissists know better but choose otherwise is tough to see. The truth is my mother was intentionally “kind” and “motherly” for moment to attempt to manipulate me in order to get what she wanted from me. And the sad truth also is that she knows how to be a good mother but instead has chosen not to be. This hurts.

Knowing that she has purposely chosen to not mother me is heartbreaking. That she knows better, but chose not to (unless she wants something from me) is painful. That she has chosen hurt and pain instead of unconditional love is so sad. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this truth with other family members recently too.

Comforting my own daughter, holding her in my arms and loving her unconditionally feels so natural to me as a mother. But seeing this truth about my mom has made me take a step back and realize that I never had this unconditional support. I wasn’t validated, held, or loved unconditionally. I wasn’t mothered.

To further my healing, I’m now learning how to mother myself. I’m giving myself unwavering support and loving myself unconditionally. I’m also surrounding myself with people who love and support me while distancing myself from those who aren’t. Anxiety demands that I nurture myself and it’s something I’m still learning how to do.

My path to heal anxiety has uncovered some harsh truths and I’ve made a vow to myself that I only want the truth for now on because living in lies was destroying my mental health. The truth is my mother hasn’t been a mother to me, so now it’s time to mother myself. Seeing the truth for what it is, no matter how hard it is, is setting me free - free from the expectations of others and free to live my life on my own terms.

 If you’ve had a similar experience, I’d love to hear what truths you’ve uncovered.

Look for my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety which will be available this summer.