Shame
I received news this week that the release date for my book has been pushed back a week, with a new release date of November 14th. I’m thinking about sharing my publishing experience in a future post. My experience trying to get my book out into the world has highlighted some life-learning lessons, especially for people with anxiety.
To celebrate the release of my book, I’m doing a podcast with my husband to introduce some of the concepts in my book. Initially, the podcast will be similar to a book club. Each month, I’ll cover a chapter of my book and maybe include some discussions about my blogs for that month. On the day of my book release, November 14th, I’ll email the first episode of my podcast through Substack.
Let me know in the comments if there’s anything you’d like me to talk about in the podcast, if you have any questions about my book, or if you have any questions about anxiety. I’m excited to try this podcast and see how it develops.
Because my husband and I often have in-depth conversations about mental health and healing, he will be joining me on the podcast. He has also walked with me through many of the truths I’ve uncovered while healing my anxiety.
The Mental Health Stigma
Just last week, my husband and I were talking about how insensitive many people have been about my anxiety. I think some people said or did things out of ignorance; they just didn’t know any better. However, other people were incredibly judgmental and said things to intentionally hurt me. Regardless of their intentions, these comments and actions added to the shame I already felt about myself because of my mental health.
I hid my anxiety from mostly everyone aside from my husband, and even from him too sometimes. Since I knew how judgmental people could be and because of how little was understood about anxiety and mental health, I rarely opened up about my anxiety. The few times I did share with family and friends, I was reminded of why I kept quiet about anxiety.
The rare instance when I did mention my anxiety, I was not only stunned but also shamed by their insensitivity. Below, I’m sharing some of the offhanded comments I heard to bring these shame-inducing remarks into the light to lessen their sting.
· “Just do it anyways.”
· “Hahahahaha . . . That’s funny.”
· “I don’t have that problem. I’m perfectly fine.”
· “Well, I have a life.”
· “What kind of life are you living?”
· “Get over it.”
Sadly, the people who spewed these remarks were family and friends. Some people even took the opportunity to boast about how well they were doing when I confided in them that I was struggling. These comments were unnecessarily hurtful. They invalidated and gaslit my feelings and experiences. They were incendiary, further shaming me and ultimately making my anxiety worse.
When my anxiety was at its worst, I was also seeing a counselor who further invalidated and gaslit me. Therapy is a great avenue to help heal anxiety, but not all therapists or counselors are good. My blog, Toxic Therapy, talks more about my experience and gives some pointers on what to look for in a good therapist.
If you can relate to these comments, know that you’re not alone. Most importantly, please don’t stop talking about your anxiety or emotions. People who make these insensitive comments are not supportive of you, and to heal your anxiety, you cannot permit these people into your sacred inner circle. The people who get the privilege (yes, privilege!) to be close to you must be supportive. Anything less than supportive detracts from you and your healing. Find supportive people who are compassionate and understanding; people who validate you, see you, and hear you.
Shame
Our brain puts shame in the same category as physical pain, making shame from others especially bad for anxiety. What’s worse is that shame lingers compared to most physical pain, creating adrenaline (read Anxiety and the Adrenaline Cycle) and perpetuating anxiety.
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” – Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart
Brené Brown discusses the fact that shame grows exponentially with “secrecy, silence, and judgment.” She then shares that the remedy for shame is empathy and self-compassion. In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown lists the three elements that create self-compassion, which I’ve listed below.
3 Elements of Self-Compassion
1. Self-kindness
Self-kindness is turning into your pain, being gentle with yourself, and treating yourself with compassion.
2. Common Humanity
Whereas shame prefers isolation, common humanity is knowing you’re not alone in your experiences of shame.
3. Mindfulness
Being mindful involves understanding and receiving your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Releasing Shame
After understanding Brené Brown’s research on shame and how to dismantle it, I’ve unpacked the shame-inducing comments from above. Below, I’m addressing those comments with empathy and self-compassion while unraveling the hidden gaslighting.
· “Just do it anyways.”
This comment is reckless. You wouldn’t tell someone with heart issues to do an activity that would put their heart at risk. Just the same, people shouldn’t tell people who have anxiety to put themselves into situations that they know will cause anxiety. While they may eventually work through their anxiety and feel more comfortable in those environments, it may take time to get there (if ever), and that’s perfectly fine.
· “Hahahahaha . . . That’s funny.”
This is completely inappropriate. In no way, shape, or form is anxiety ever funny. Just as people don’t laugh when someone has diabetes or any other health condition, anxiety should never be handled so callously.
· “I don’t have that problem. I’m perfectly fine.”
The person who said this was far from “perfectly fine.” In fact, they had severe mental health issues of which they were in denial. Nobody is “perfectly fine.” Everyone has “stuff” they’re trying to figure out.
· “What kind of life are you living?”
I’m living an authentic life. Just because I had anxiety didn’t mean my quality of life was not good. My life transformed for the better because of anxiety, even though anxiety was so uncomfortable. As I said above, everyone has “stuff’ they’re working through.
· “Get over it.”
This comment is just rude, insensitive, and invalidating. The person who said this made my anxiety all about themselves. because they wanted me to do what they wanted.
Remembering the insensitive actions and comments from the people who used to be in my inner circle, family and friends who I thought had my back, saddened me. Those who I opened up to and was honest with about my anxiety did not offer any support when I most needed it. They were incredibly insensitive and turned the other way. When I look back to when my anxiety was really debilitating, I can now see how the dysfunction surrounding me impacted my mental health. These dysfunctional relationships included friends, family, nutritionists, counselors, chiropractors, and even energy healers. It’s no surprise I had anxiety.
People with anxiety need compassion and support, just like someone going through a more visible physical health problem. Just because we can’t see anxiety doesn’t make it less real. Mental health and wellness need as much airtime as physical health, maybe even more because mental health significantly impacts physical health.
Who can you safely talk to about your anxiety? With whom can you share your mental health experiences? Find a safe outlet where you can freely talk about your anxiety and mental health; a supportive friend or family member, a support group, or a good therapist are all good options. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Talk about your feelings so that shame and the mental health stigma no longer have a grip on you. Open and honest conversations about anxiety and mental health will shatter the mental health stigma and heal anxiety.
My book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety will be released November 14th, 2023, and is available to pre-order here.