People Pleasing
Before I get into my post, I’m excited to share that my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety is scheduled to be released November 7th, 2023 and is available to pre-order now.
I used to be a people pleaser. To heal anxiety, I’ve had to uproot my unconscious and deep-seated people pleasing tendencies. Even though I’ve put an end to people pleasing, several recent events have shown me how insidious these patterns are. Despite all the internal work I’ve done, I can still feel the lingering effects of people pleasing.
Learning what my needs are and prioritizing them is my healing anxiety. This year, more than any other year, I’ve been making decisions based on the best interests of myself and my family. It feels so good to put myself first. But if I’m being completely honest, I’ve noticed that I sometimes still feel uncomfortable when I know I’m displeasing someone.
Recently, my family and I chose not to go to my son’s soccer tournament in Virginia. Due to the last-minute addition of this tournament, schedule conflicts (my daughter’s recital), and our budget, we decided it was best to skip this tournament. I also couldn’t justify spending the time and money to go when more than half of the team was regularly skipping practice.
I’ve also had some difficult family members express interest in visiting me this fall. I have not and will not extend an invitation because these family members are toxic. In the past, visits with them have drained my time, energy, and finances.
Saying “no” to these people and events is the right answer for me and my family. I have no doubt about it. The people pleasing residue I’m talking about is the unease I sometimes still feel knowing that others are unhappy, frustrated, disappointed, or even angry when I put my needs first.
People Pleasing Defined
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a people pleaser as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” Someone who people pleases puts the needs of others before their own, deriving their worth from the approval of others. They become hypervigilant to the needs of others instead of being attuned to their own needs. All their energy and attention is scattered outside of themselves instead of focused in themselves.
If you people please, know that it’s not your fault. For most people it’s a trauma response picked up in childhood. People pleasing was most likely effective for a while, protecting you from abusive outbursts, ridicule, and shame. Anxiety, however, is your warning bell alerting you that these patterns are no longer keeping you safe. Two things happen when people pleasing tendencies are deeply imbedded in you.
1. You lose your essence.
You start to lose all sense of yourself, your essence - what makes you who you are. You become more attuned to other people’s needs instead of your own. You confuse other people’s narratives, feelings, and beliefs as your own. Your dreams, aspirations, goals, and who you are at your core are neglected.
2. You don’t take care of yourself.
Your self-care takes a back seat because your time, money, and energy are being used to take care of other people’s needs. You may not even know what your needs are since you’re attuned to other people. Yet, diligent self-care is what’s needed to heal anxiety.
5 People-Pleasing Signs
Most people don’t realize they’re people pleasing. They’re unconscious of these patterns because they run deep in their psyches. Below are five signs indicating there could be an underlying people-pleasing pattern affecting your mental wellbeing.
1. A hard time saying “no”
Saying “yes” to others when your heart and soul are screaming “no!” is people pleasing. You’re people pleasing when you regularly agree to do something you genuinely don’t want to do.
2. Low or no self-worth
Low or no self-worth is something that afflicts many people who have anxiety. They fall victim to people pleasing as a way to feel worthy, even if it’s only temporary.
3. Frequently taken advantage of
Difficulty saying “no” and having low self-worth makes people easy targets for being taken advantage of. Some people become accustomed to always receiving from you and have no problems with taking as much from you as they can.
4. Prioritize other people’s needs
Someone who people pleases places other peoples needs above their own. Due to their low self-esteem and self-worth, a people pleaser doesn’t believe their needs deserve to be a priority.
5. Need for approval from others
When your self-worth is low, your need for approval from others is high. When you don’t value yourself, you look externally for that validation. People pleasing becomes that external validation.
Don’t be hard on yourself if you notice that you experience any of the above characteristics. Simply becoming conscious of this unconscious pattern is a huge first step to ending people-pleasing tendencies. Being mindful of this pattern shifts it from being in the dark to being fully visible in the light, putting an end to this self-harming pattern. Below are five steps to begin uprooting people pleasing patterns.
5 Steps to Stop People Pleasing
1. Self-awareness
Instead of focusing on others, begin to shift your attention to yourself. Start observing how you feel. How does your body feel? Do you feel relaxed or stressed? Are you hungry or tired? Are you hot or cold? Observing how you feel helps you to tune into yourself. Every time you notice your attention shift outside of yourself, refocus it internally. Done consistently over time, your attention will stay with you.
2. Prioritize yourself
Self-awareness helps you to begin to identify what your needs are. When you know what need to feel your best, you can begin to prioritize your needs. Ensure your daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly decisions meet your needs, making you feel safe, comfortable, and healthy. Prioritizing yourself is not selfish. It’s self-care and is mandatory for healing anxiety. My blog, Your Needs First, goes into more detail about the importance of prioritizing your needs.
3. Set healthy boundaries
Establish healthy boundaries that protect you – your essence, mental health, finances, energy, and overall well-being. Boundaries ensure that you’re not putting yourself in situations that drain you and your energy. They are a form of protection that allow you to safely function and interact with the world. My blog, Open Hearts, Open Minds discusses how to implement safe and effective boundaries.
4. Invite divine support
Remember to welcome in support from the angels, God, and the universe. Divine support helps you to zero in on the truth of your people pleasing and how deep those roots run for you. The angels have a knack for showing where you need to do some work, where you need to be gentle with yourself, and how to prioritize yourself. Uprooting people pleasing patterns isn’t easy, so enlist all the support you can get including divine support.
5. Practice saying “no”
With any decision you need to make, buy yourself some time. If possible, never give someone an immediate answer. Take some time to figure out what your needs are in this situation and ensure they aren’t compromised. Saying “no” to people and situations that are unsupportive of you gets easier the more you do it.
With time, practice, and a healthy dose of patience, you can uproot people-pleasing tendencies. Even after you’ve dug up these patterns, be compassionate with yourself if you still notice any residue left over. You haven’t done anything wrong. These feelings just mean that these patterns used to be deep-seated.
Even though I still feel uncomfortable knowing that others are disappointed with me for not meeting their needs, I’m still very proud of myself for not people pleasing and for putting my needs first. The residue from my old people pleasing tendencies shows me how far I’ve come. They are a reminder to keep basing my decisions on what’s best for me and my family. Overtime, I believe the pull to people please will eventually lose its hold, allowing me to feel more settled in prioritizing my needs.
Look for my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety which will be available November 7th, 2023.