Forgive Myself
Recently I had a conversation with my sister. I don’t talk with her often, maybe every three to four months. During our conversation, she said some things that brought up a lot of painful memories I have of her: hurtful things she’s said and done. I was also reminded of why I have firm boundaries with her and why she’s no longer involved in my life.
After that phone call, I realized that I was upset with myself for tolerating her behavior and toxicity for as long as I did. I was mad at myself for not seeing the truth about her. I wish I had protected myself earlier than I did, instead of wasting my precious time and energy on her.
I didn’t realize I had been angry with myself, but as soon as I identified the anger, I knew it was time to let it go. I needed to forgive myself because it felt like holding onto this anger was also wasting my time and energy. I was able to see that underneath this anger was pain. Remembering how she’s treated me hurts. Knowing that I excused her behavior hurts too. Sadly, I didn’t always know my worth.
If you’ve experienced something similar, know that other people’s bad behavior is not your fault. There is so much shame with anxiety (which is not your fault either), due to the stigma associated with it. My blog, Releasing Shame, goes into more detail about anxiety and shame. This shame leaves people who have anxiety blaming themselves for many things that are not their fault and for things that are out of their control.
Your intuition serves as a guidebook showing you how to identify and handle toxic people. But if these toxic people are your family of origin (parents, siblings) or guardians, your guidebook was most likely burned by them. It’s hard to spot toxic people when you’re surrounded by them. It’s all you know. Even people who’ve had healthy upbringings have a hard time identifying toxic people, so don’t be hard on yourself if you didn’t handle things as you would today.
Forgive yourself for your involvement with hurtful people. You were either the target of their aggressive actions or in the line of fire. Either way, you were at the receiving end of their abuse, meaning the abuser is at fault, not you.
Blaming and shaming yourself only perpetuates and exacerbates anxiety. When you begin to detach from dramas and toxic relationships and create a supportive foundation, be aware of any self-anger or blame you may be feeling. These feelings aren’t inherently bad, but instead are indicators of where you need love and healing. Below are five ways to start forgiving yourself.
5 Ways to Forgive Yourself
1. Release “should haves” and “could haves” and “I wish I hads…”
All these possibilities are in the past and there’s nothing you can do to change what you said or did. You did the best you could, and your best is always enough. Most likely you did better than you realize, given the circumstances. Instead of saying “I wish I had…”, instead acknowledge what you did well in that situation.
2. Acceptance
Accept and be honest about the person and/or situation and about what transpired. This time instead of blaming yourself, ask yourself what you learned. If this situation presented itself again, what would you do things with what you’ve learned? Are there any changes you want to make now? Acceptance makes room for you to learn and grow from your hardships.
3. Instill boundaries
Boundaries protect you - your energy, time, space, and finances. Instilling boundaries is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. My blog, Open Hearts, Open Minds, goes into more depth about the importance of boundaries. Some people don’t forgive themselves because they’re afraid that if they do, events or situations may repeat themselves. Boundaries help you to feel safe enough to release this fear and forgive yourself.
4. Surrender
Surrender your anger and pain to the divine. This is hard to do because it can feel like you’re not in control. Surrendering means you don’t have to hold onto pain or anger anymore. Envision yourself handing these feelings over to God.
5. Pray to Archangel Jeremiel
Archangel Jeremiel is the angel to pray to for help with forgiveness. Include him in your prayers and welcome his support in self-forgiveness. Miracles happen whenever you invite the angels to support you.
“Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.” – Desmond Tutu
Giving yourself permission to forgive yourself is freeing and it feels like a weight is taken off you. Forgiveness clears your energy so that self-love can flow more easily. Unconditional self-love heals anxiety. Upon forgiving myself, I found that I was finally able to access unconditional self-love. Below are five ways to foster self-love.
5 Ways to Love Yourself
1. Completely accept yourself
Accept yourself as you are today. Don’t postpone self-acceptance for when you reach a certain weight, have more money in the bank, buy a house, or own a special car. Self-acceptance starts today.
2. See your inner and outer beauty
Many people are quick to hone in on their perceived flaws yet struggle to identify features or qualities they like about themselves. Take time to admire your physical beauty and your beautiful mind and soul. Start each day by naming three things you like about yourself.
3. Be gentle with yourself
This piggybacks on number two. Go easy on yourself when you feel like you’re not enough. When setbacks and mistakes happen, know they are a normal part of life. You are perfectly imperfect, so set an intention to be gentle with yourself.
4. Practice self-care
Regular self-care is needed to heal anxiety and live a full life. Self-care is self-love and when done routinely, establishes new and healthy patterns. Rest, prepare good food, prioritize healthy exercise, and get plenty of sleep – whatever you need to feel your best.
5. Be proud of yourself
Take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come on your healing journey. Take some time to really appreciate who you are. Many people don’t choose the healing path, so regularly remind yourself that you’re doing it and be proud.
There’s always been an unspoken agreement between my sister and me – that I keep quiet to keep the peace. I don’t speak up for myself or my needs. Instead, it’s expected that I am hypervigilant to her needs. In return, she’s had a free pass on all her rude behavior.
My sister’s toxic behavior has made it clear to me that I can’t have any real relationship with her, so I rarely interact with her. But when we do talk, my voice has been getting stronger. This last conversation I couldn’t keep quiet anymore. My pain surfaced and I spoke up about how horrible her behavior has been towards me. She seemed stunned because she’s not used to hearing my authentic voice. After freeing myself by standing up to my sister, my soul let me know it was also time to free myself with self-forgiveness.
Just acknowledging that I was carrying around this self-blame and anger, I was quickly able to give myself the permission I very much needed to forgive myself. It was time. I may never forgive my sister, especially if she doesn’t change or take ownership for her actions, and that’s OK. Self-forgiveness is what I really needed. Forgiving myself has freed my soul, clearing the path for self-love.
How can you forgive yourself?
Look for my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety which will be available this summer.