Healing anxiety demands that you set yourself up for success. This means that you’re no longer pushing yourself through situations that you know will create anxiety. Instead, identifying and meeting your needs in these circumstances helps to ensure that anxiety isn’t triggered or is triggered less. A “your needs first” approach is much gentler on your nervous system and more effective for healing anxiety.

No More Pushing

In my blog, Toxic Therapy, I talk about a terrible counselor I went to for 20 years. I desperately needed help with anxiety and this counselor was recommended to me, except her techniques were ineffective and questionable. One of her outdated and defunct counseling methods was continually encouraging me to “push” through situations that caused me anxiety. After 20 years of pushing myself, my anxiety continued to worsen.

Counseling people to push themselves through mental health issues, more specifically anxiety, is awful advice. This type of guidance reinforces the belief that something is wrong with the person who has anxiety. This is another scenario where it’s recommended that the person who has anxiety needs to change and alter themselves to fit into uncomfortable, dysfunctional, and, at times, harmful circumstances.

Anxiety feels like your nervous system is on fire. Therefore, regularly putting yourself in situations that cause anxiety and pushing through them is only adding fuel to your already heated nervous system. Constantly pushing yourself in an attempt to heal anxiety actually worsens it by perpetuating the adrenaline cycle. My blog, Anxiety and the Adrenaline Cycle, goes into more detail about the effects of adrenaline on anxiety.

Anxiety is your body, mind, and soul alerting you that some situations and environments aren’t working for you. When you’re knee deep in anxiety (and adrenaline!) it’s hard to see the big picture of what is happening in these situations. Anxiety is your spidey senses kicking in detecting people, places, and situations that are unsupportive and, at times, unsafe.

Cocooning

Healing anxiety is a transformative process that transmutes your pain into gold. Just as a caterpillar spins a cocoon around itself for metamorphosis to take place, you also need the safety of a cocoon so that you can heal and grow your wings. Your cocoon can be your house, your bedroom, a closet, or even just a corner in a room. Having a space that feels safe and comfortable where you can retreat to, for as long as you need, will help to get your bearings.

Constantly pushing yourself through anxiety-prone situations makes it feel like you’re always in fight or flight. Instead, sequestering yourself in the safety of your cocoon gives you time, space, and energy to feel comfortable enough to lean into your anxiety to understand what it’s trying to protect you from. Furthermore, you’ll begin to recognize your needs.

In your cocoon, begin to ask yourself some questions.

·       What do you need to feel safe?

·       What exactly gives you anxiety in certain situations?

·       What would make you feel better in these circumstances?

·       If you changed certain variables in these situations, would you still have anxiety?

Tucked into your cozy cocoon, you’re giving yourself a chance to slow the heck down so that you can begin to comprehend what you need in any given situation to feel safe and free from anxiety. You may also find that some circumstances or environments will never work for you, and that’s OK. By identifying your needs, you are better equipped to prioritize them.

 Your Needs First

Becoming intimate with your anxiety and your needs teaches you how to care for yourself in a new and supportive way. Your needs have to come first, especially when you’re dealing with anxiety. Just like the safety briefing in an airplane says, you need to put on your oxygen mask first, not only so that you can help others, but because you deserve to place your needs first. Anxiety is an indicator that they’ve been on the backburner for too long.

From my own personal experiences, I’ve created my own definition of anxiety: the unconscious and continual gaslighting of ourselves in order to make ourselves small to accommodate others.

I believe that most people who have anxiety have been taught to gaslight themselves by their families, friends, teachers, religious leaders, co-workers, bosses, doctors, institutions, and our society. They’ve been gaslit into believing what their needs “should” be, or worse, that they “shouldn’t” have any needs.

Some people gaslight others because they hold these same beliefs and want you to do the same. Other people gaslight because they want to manipulate and control others for their own personal benefit. According to my definition, people who have anxiety are unconsciously gaslighting themselves habitually because gaslighting has become an ingrained pattern. It’s also done unconsciously to make other people feel better at the price of making themselves feel bad.

That’s why your needs must come first. It’s time to accommodate yourself and prioritize your wellness. Time in your cocoon will help you to cut through all the gaslighting to reveal your truth because the truth really does set you free.

You are a unique individual so your needs are not the same as others. By putting your needs first, you’re rewriting old, outdated narratives that aren’t serving you. By taking center stage of your life, you are writing your own script that puts you first. You also don’t have to change who you are at your core. The only adjustment you need to make is to ensure that your needs are met.

One of the things I learned about myself is that I need to stay in a rental house, like an Airbnb, to travel comfortably. I don’t feel comfortable in hotels and sometimes feel anxiety in them. Hotels feel sterile to me, with too many people and different energies crammed into one building. Even though a rental house costs more, it’s money well spent if it doesn’t trigger anxiety for me. I now prioritize my need to feel comfortable wherever I’m sleeping and spending long periods of time.

Don’t judge yourself for putting your needs first. For example, even though many other people feel fine in hotels, it’s perfectly fine that I don’t. I used to judge myself for not being like others and for needing different things to feel comfortable. When I feel these judgements come in (because they sometimes still do), I now release them to the angels. Judging myself is an old pattern that’s unraveling.

Other people may judge you too. Those who judge you for taking care of yourself, most likely were judging you for having anxiety. Self-advocacy may be a new pattern for you that the people in your life are going to have to get used to. You were not placed on this earth to make life easier for others. If other people don’t like that your needs come first, do it anyways. When any judgements come up, whether from yourself or other people, visualize yourself pulling these judgements out of yourself and handing them over to the divine.

Starting today, put your needs first. Give yourself permission to care for yourself in this way because you deserve this level of self-care and compassion. You and your nervous system need gentleness to build confidence and heal anxiety. Prioritizing your needs does more for healing anxiety than constantly pushing yourself. A “your needs first” approach will set you up for success in situations that provoke anxiety.

Look for my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety which will be available this fall.