Toxic Terapy
5 Warning Signs of a Toxic Therapist and the 5 Qualities of a Good Therapist
My experience with a terrible therapist for 20 years (off and on) worsened my anxiety. Her tactics destroyed what little self-trust I had and wreaked havoc on my nervous system. This was toxic therapy. By writing about this, I hope others can avoid similar experiences.
It’s hard for people who have anxiety or any other mental health issue to seek help. Even though there is more awareness and discussions around mental health than ever before, there is still a stigma that lingers, making it difficult for people to reach out for help. Sadly, when someone finally does bravely take that next step and seek help, there are some “professionals” such as therapists, psychologists, counselors, and even holistic practitioners that hurt their clients, adversely affecting their anxiety.
Many people have had horrible experiences with therapy that have set them back, myself included. This type of “help” is pathological with many therapists abusing their role. People go to them in a vulnerable state and some therapists are either reckless with their clients or they take advantage of them, preying on them for their own ego and selfish needs. Toxic therapy is insidious, disrupting self-trust in those who are seeking help.
My experience with toxic therapy and then later with good therapy has taught me how to identify the warning signs are of a toxic therapist and subsequently the attributes of a good therapist. I use the word therapist to include counselors, life coaches, psychologists, or any other conventional or alternative mental health support. Below is a list of what to avoid and what to look for in a therapist.
5 Warning Signs of a Toxic Therapist
1. They put themselves in a position of authority over you.
Healing anxiety requires that the playing field be level. People who have anxiety already have little or no self-worth, so hierarchy within therapy will only worsen anxiety. Professionalism and upholding codes of conduct does not mean that a therapist is in a position of authority over you. This type of therapist/client relationship creates a dynamic where the therapist can be controlling and at times domineering.
2. They criticize you.
The therapist I used to see often criticized me for everything – as a mother, a wife, and just as myself. Her style of therapy was about accountability, which is potentially good, but she took it too far, making me feel like everything was my fault – even my anxiety. Because I had her voice stuck in my head, I was constantly judging myself and my every decision. You should NEVER be criticized during therapy. Ever! You’re paying them for mental health support and it’s their job to build you up and to help you see the good in yourself that you might not see yet, not tear you down.
3. They gaslight you.
A therapist should NEVER tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel. Some therapists gaslight their clients to view the world through their eyes and through their experiences. Sadly, there are also therapists who are narcissistic, gaslighting their clients to adapt a narrative they’ve created to put themselves in a position of power, disrupting self-trust in the client in order to create more business and to fuel the therapist’s ego. A therapist’s job is to guide you and hold space for you as you uncover and navigate your own emotions and experiences.
“A good coach or therapist will help you navigate your experiences and emotions through your own lens.” – Tricia Easter, from my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety
4. You feel uncomfortable.
Pay attention how you feel during your time spent with them. Even though some difficult emotions can come up, do you feel emotionally safe and comforted with your therapist? Looking back, I used to feel tense and edgy before, during, and after my sessions with my therapist. Now, I actually look forward to talking with my new support practitioner and feel nurtured during each session. This soothing and gentle style of support is much better for my nervous system and is actually healing my anxiety.
5. You don’t see any improvement.
Healing anxiety takes time and for most people healing won’t happen overnight. With that said, you should see some improvement over time. I saw my therapist for 20 years and during that time did not see any improvement and my anxiety got progressively worse. This created a pattern where, as my anxiety got worse, I became increasingly dependent on her for help. I completely lost trust in myself, putting my therapist in a position of power. I had to a take a giant step back to gain clarity and see what was really going on. From my experience, six months is a reasonable amount of time to see some improvement in anxiety and to know if a therapist is a good fit.
5 Qualities of a Good Therapist
1. They listen to you.
A good therapist will listen to you. In my own coaching class, I learned the 30/70 rule. A good coach will listen about 70 percent of the time and talk 30 for percent. A therapist’s job is to hold space for you to be seen and heard. Active listening enables you to safely share your experiences and feelings so that they can be unpacked, processed, and healed. Being seen and heard will shed light on the source of your anxiety, allowing you to heal.
2. They validate you.
A good therapist will validate your feelings, emotions, and experiences, knowing no two people process identical experiences the same. All of your experiences and emotions are valid. A good therapist will validate your needs, encouraging you to make yourself a priority.
“The best teachers are those who show you where to look, but don’t tell you what to see.” – Alexandra K. Trenfor
3. They’re compassionate.
A good therapist will show compassion for you, your emotions, and your experiences. While unearthing some difficult and perhaps some painful experiences and emotions, a good therapist will gently help you to navigate them and process them. A good therapist will also help you to be compassionate towards yourself when you’re frustrated or make mistakes.
4. They’re open minded.
The last thing people with anxiety need is to be judged since shame and the mental health stigma fuel anxiety. A therapist who is open minded allows you to start extinguishing the flames that ignited anxiety in the first place and perpetuated it. An open-minded therapist will also support you if you want to include different types of healing modalities.
5. They build self-trust.
A great therapist will guide you to trust yourself. You are the expert about yourself but have been systematically taught to place trust in others instead of yourself. Anxiety is the result of shutting down your intuition and trusting others more than yourself. Trust in your mind and body is what you need to heal anxiety. As your self-trust is strengthened, anxiety will heal. Seek a therapist who encourages you to wholeheartedly trust yourself.
Toxic therapy is traumatic for those seeking help for mental health conditions, many who have already experienced trauma. Toxic therapy worsens anxiety, creating more adrenaline. My blog Anxiety and the Adrenaline Cycle explains how adrenaline affects anxiety and vice versa.
It took me 20 years to realize that my therapist was toxic. After 20 years, I walked away from her version of “support.” And 20 years later, I started to call back my power, reclaim my sovereignty, and trust myself again. Therapy can be very helpful and can help you heal anxiety if you know what to look for and what to steer clear of.
Look for my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety which will be available this spring/summer.