A woman I know recently said, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” with respect to a girl we know who’s been making poor choices, leading her down a destructive path similar to her family members. Even though I agree that this girl isn’t making smart decisions, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” rubs me the wrong way because I don’t believe it’s a universal truth.

This adage suggests that you’re predestined to follow in your family footsteps. The meaning can be positive and negative however, I’ve mostly heard it in a disparaging way. While there are plenty of instances where the saying appears to be true, I’ve also witnessed so many others (me included) who have belied it. The belief that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is untrue because sometimes the apple does fall far from the tree – very far.

Dismissive

This saying is dismissive. It appears that when someone is struggling, people say this to wash their hands of the situation, ultimately turning their backs on them. This saying is outdated and is more a reflection of a breakdown in our communities than the individual person this is said about. Brushing off other people’s problems in this way is completely insensitive and places fault and responsibility on children who are in situations beyond their control.  

Instead of communities stepping in to help people who are going through generational trauma, it’s easier to dismiss them by creating a narrative that their fate is already written and so why help. Sayings like “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” also simplify the issues going on for children and their families. Simplifying people’s struggles when their problems are, in fact, more complex is dismissive. Adages like this also create a false sense of security, rationalizing that other people’s problems are only specific to them, and that their own families are safe.

Dismissing other people’s experiences encourages others to absolve themselves of any responsibility to reach out. And while some people may still make poor choices even if they are helped, it isn’t fair to dismiss their hardships, especially when children are involved.

I don’t know exactly how to help others experiencing hardships as each situation is different requiring different levels of help. But perhaps the first step is acknowledging and validating other people’s hardships. Rather than dismissing others in distress, we can begin to validate their experiences and offer assistance within our capacity.  

Healing anxiety demands that we take care of ourselves, which means not giving of ourselves beyond what we’re capable of, preserving our health and mental well-being. This allows us to help without overextending ourselves and draining our energy, time, and finances. If we feel called to help others, we can continue to heal anxiety if we remain aware of our needs and help within our means.

Helping and validating other people’s experiences isn’t a guarantee that they will turn their lives around, but it helps contribute to humanity instead of numbing ourselves to other people’s pain. It’s a reminder that we’re all humans doing the best we can.

Free Will

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” adage also bothers me because it doesn’t make room for free will. Just because we’re born into our families doesn’t guarantee that we’re going to turn out like them, good or bad. Experiencing generational trauma means that we have our work cut out for us in terms of healing. We always have a choice about whether or not we choose to heal.

People who have anxiety most likely have ancestral trauma to heal. It can feel scary or wrong to travel a different path from our family. It’s also common to experience backlash as we set out to travel our own path. Healing dysfunctional family patterns is a tough path, but it’s worth it.

In my book, Bold Trust, I call on readers to clear trauma from their family lines and be ancestral disruptors. Not all ancestral patterns are bad and there may be some worth continuing. But now is the time to choose to end the ones that harm us physically and mentally.

“Disrupting ancestral patterns looks like a row of dominoes set up in a configuration, with each domino positioned to knock down the domino in front of it. Between each domino there’s a kinetic energy transfer that keeps the line going. There’s a tremendous amount of momentum from all of the dominoes behind you to stay the course. Anxiety is letting you know that it’s time to listen to the rhythm of your soul because the path your ancestors have carved out is not for you.” – Bold Trust

My Apple

During my childhood, I’m certain that others applied this adage to me. Because my parents were divorced, they felt that there was no hope for me. Growing up in the 80s, my family stuck out because of my parents’ divorce and because of my mother’s Panamanian heritage. Many people believed that I wouldn’t turn out well because of my parents and wrote me off. And I feel like I’ve been fighting this narrative for most of my adult life.

I worked hard in everything I did—my education, my marriage, and raising my kids to prove that I turned out fine. But I really wasn’t fine. I was drowning out everything that made me unique and different so that I could feel like I fit into the lofty definition of normal, proving my apple had fallen far from the tree. Having an unconventional childhood, I became super focused on being “normal” as an adult, which isn’t normal or healthy. It was also contributing to my anxiety as I was more in tune with what others thought of me than my own thoughts of myself.   

Truly freeing myself from harmful ancestral patterns and generational trauma meant knowing I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. It also meant I could be honest about my truth and my experiences. Freeing myself from the apple tree meant prioritizing my own thoughts and experiences rather than living my life through the eyes of others in order to hopefully gain their approval.

Reflecting on my upbringing, it would have been nice if people were more understanding and welcoming. People snub what they fear or don’t understand, and they shy away from anything different. The truth is that the people who dismissed my family were too busy dealing with their own issues that they were trying to keep under wrap.

It’s time for the saying “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” to be put to rest. It’s insensitive and outdated. It’s another way to pigeonhole people instead of seeing each person as a unique individual. It takes courage to end harmful ancestral patterns and create new healthy ones. People who are doing the work to heal not only themselves, but also their ancestral lines, need space and opportunities for their apple to fall far from the tree.

The woman who said the adage said it in frustration because she has helped this girl quite a bit to hopefully steer her on a better path. Since she still deeply cares about this girl, the adage seemed to help her make sense of why the girl was choosing a destructive path. However, the girl still has time to make better choices and will hopefully remember how much some people believe in her and want to see her succeed, hopefully falling far from her apple tree.

My book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety is now available for purchase here.