Adults Gaslighting Children

 This post is a continuation of my last post, A Weekend Victory – Part One, where I shared a disheartening experience where my son was gaslit by a coach. Make sure to check out the last post if you haven’t read it. In this post I’m talking about how to support your child if they are being gaslit by an adult.

The fall 2021 soccer season was heartbreaking for my son because of all the hard work he’s put into soccer. As a parent, it was hard to witness my son going through this because it wasn’t even close to fair. Our experience with high school soccer isn’t the first time or last time we will experience gaslighting against a child. These scenarios affecting our children (and ourselves) happen more often than we realize. This is more insidious than politics or favoritism - it’s about power, control, and money. These ego and profit-driven adults are gaslighting our children into believing false truths about themselves. These terrible people are creating narratives that ensure they generate revenue and fuel their egos. Below I’ve detailed some ways to address these horrible situations.

Speak Up

If you suspect your child is being gaslit, speak up. Even though I was concerned about my son being punished or ostracized we still spoke up. Many people turn a blind eye or make excuses when something like this happens, especially if the gaslighting is long standing and deeply rooted in a family, community, or organization. When an adult is essentially bullying a child, someone (especially the child’s parents or caretakers) should go through the correct channels of communication and speak up on behalf of the child.

Another boy on the high school soccer team, who also switched from the old club to the new one, experienced the same gaslighting. His parents chose not to say anything to the high school officials (although the mom did yell many obscenities to Coach during the high school games). The dad believed that this was just how life was and better for his son to get used to it now.

My husband and I mostly agree with this boy’s dad – life can be unfair at times and people will try to gaslight you, but people should stand up for themselves and speak up. Even though not much happened after we voiced our concerns, it felt good to stand up to the bullies. I figured we owed it to our son, ourselves, and to others who can’t afford club soccer.

Furthermore, we showed our son that we believe in him. That he’s worth standing up for and that he should stand up for himself. Sadly, by the end of the school year the other boy whose parents did not come forward quit soccer altogether believing he wasn’t good enough.

Some other families before us had spoken up, but they went directly Coach with some even going to the Athletic Director of the high school. These families got zero results. We went straight to the top starting with the Superintendent then later the high school principal and athletic director. We never went directly to Coach because we knew he would try to gaslight us too.

Knowing I was going to say something also helped me manage my feelings. Watching my son sit on the bench for every game felt like being punched in the gut. Seeing this varsity team playing all of their freshmen and sophomores (because there weren’t any juniors or seniors who played for the club) was infuriating. Not only was this unfair to my son and the other upperclassmen players, but this was also dangerous for the freshmen and sophomores because they were getting injured playing other varsity teams full of juniors and seniors who are physically bigger. 

Talk to Them!

After the 2021 fall high school soccer season, my son’s confidence took a hit. He felt a lot of shame and he initially internalized it. Both soccer players and kids who didn’t play soccer at the high school teased him about not being good enough to get playing time. However, the emotion that scared him the most was his anger and because he felt a lot of anger, he tried to bypass it with positive thinking. And while a positive mindset is good, he needed to process his anger.

“Gaslighting ultimately destroys self-trust, putting the gaslighter in a position of power.” - Tricia Easter, from my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety

So, I spent a lot of time talking to him. I talked to him about gaslighting and how unethical Coach was. I also encouraged him to open up and talk about his feelings, however uncomfortable they were. When he did start talking, I listened and gave him my undivided attention. My son has learned early on that some people are toxic and are not who they claim to be. He’s learned that some people have their own agendas that are purely self-serving.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to talk with and listen to our children. Even though it may feel like they are not listening, if said with love, your words will imprint on them. After many conversations they will start to see the truth. Gaslighting is incredibly confusing for both children and adults, so the more we talk about these situations the more we can unravel the insidiousness of gaslighting.

At the end of the year, I had my son write a letter to Coach telling him how he felt, allowing him to use curse words if he wanted. Then we burned his letter in the firepit, helping to release this toxic situation.

End Goal

This year is my son’s senior year and my son, husband, and I decided that he wouldn’t play high school soccer after what happened the year before. Instead, my son played for a semi-pro soccer team in the fall. He was also offered a spot on four college teams and eventually decided to go to the college Coach B coaches at and play for their soccer team while studying chemistry. As of today, in the past two years no other soccer player from my son’s high school soccer team has received an offer to play collegiate soccer.

My son decided to graduate early this year and is taking classes at our local community college to get a jump start on some of his college chemistry courses (which I’ll talk about in another blog). Focusing on the end goal helped me, my husband, and, most importantly, my son keep this situation in perspective, with college soccer being the priority even if it meant not playing for his high school soccer team.

I took my son out to lunch after his game to celebrate the win. We were both really nervous before the game, and we both were screaming with excitement about the win. During lunch my son talked about how he finally felt closure. Seeing Coach again and playing so well provided him with the closure he very much needed as he starts thinking about playing for his college team this fall.

My son really likes the author and speaker David Goggins. During lunch, my son repeated one of Goggins’s life lessons, saying he took Coach’s soul. Goggins says that when someone believes they’re better than you and that you’re not good enough, you are essentially taking their soul when you prove them wrong. My son didn’t listen to Coach about not being good enough and didn’t let Coach determine his worth. My son is achieving his goals, playing soccer in college and studying chemistry. I’m grateful that we were able to see through Coach’s gaslighting to the truth.

Look for my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety which will be available this summer.