Adults Gaslighting Children

This weekend was a sweet victory for my family and me, but especially for my 17-year-old son. My son’s current soccer team won their match against my son’s former soccer team with a final score of 4-0. However, this win was much more than the total number of goals scored. This win provided closure for my son, as well as for my husband and me, allowing the truth to shine.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

The past few years I’ve had so many truths revealed. The hardest truths to digest are those that reveal the truth about toxic, narcissistic, and abusive people who are supposed to have the best intentions for children, with some even being paid for it. It’s been very upsetting and overwhelming to see these truths and I’m sharing them so that others can see the truth in their own lives.

In the fall of 2021, during my son’s junior year, he got very little playing time on his high school varsity soccer team because he played for a private soccer club that his public high school soccer coach did not endorse. For this post, I’m calling his high school soccer coach, Coach. My son used to play for the club that his high school supported but changed to another club the summer before his junior year. He had been at the old club for five years prior to switching.

We switched clubs because my son wasn’t growing as a soccer player. He wants to play soccer in college and with the toxic culture and poor coaching that wasn’t going to happen with his old club. Not only did my son’s new club cost less, but it also had professional college coaches coaching.

The 2021 fall high school soccer season was a hot mess – the team won only one game for the whole season. My son got five to ten minutes of playing time for each game even though he was one of the best players on the team. Coach didn’t give him playing time because he has an unethical arrangement with the director of that soccer club, whom I’m going to call Director for this post. Not only are Coach and Director close friends (both emigrated from the same country), but Coach was on the payroll for Director’s soccer club even though he wasn’t coaching for them. Coach has a conflict of interest when coaching his high school team, based on his financial relationship with Director’s club.

Every spring, Coach hosts a meeting at the high school for all current and prospective varsity players who don’t play for the private soccer club he endorses. At the meeting they (Coach and Director) state that if the boys want to play varsity soccer at the high school, they need to pay to play soccer at their club. And when Coach holds elections for team captains, Director shows up and publicly endorses his favored candidate who unsurprisingly pays to play in his club.

I feel fortunate to be able to pay for my son to play club soccer, but I’m well aware that not everyone can afford it. My family certainly couldn’t afford to pay for something like this when I was young. It is completely unethical for a public school to endorse any club for any sport or any other organization that costs money, especially when the coach (who’s also a teacher) in the public school system gets a kickback. And it’s even less ethical to require players to join one specific club if they want to play on the school team.

At my son’s high school, athletic performance and technical skills were not the priority when picking the soccer teams, choosing the starting line-up, or determining playing time. The only thing that mattered was if you played (and paid) for the club they endorsed.

During that soccer season while my son played on the school team and in the club that Coach did not endorse, my husband and I took notes. Even though Coach was constantly gaslighting my son, telling him he wasn’t good enough as a soccer player, my son still finished the season. At the end of the season, we took our notes and met first with the school’s superintendent and later the principal and athletic director of the high school (who also supports this unethical arrangement). We shared the events that unfolded during the season such as how Director picked the starting lineup rather than Coach. The arrogant high school athletic director suggested that perhaps my son was not getting playing time because his new club was not as good as his old one – more gaslighting.

“Sadly, many structures you were taught to trust are outdated and are no longer safe.”  – Tricia Easter, from my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety

A few things did change after our meeting. Director is no longer able to participate in high school soccer meetings, especially those electing team captains. And this year Coach is actually coaching for the soccer club, justifying why he’s on the payroll for them - which brings us to my son’s game last weekend.

This year Coach is coaching my son’s old team at his old soccer club and this past weekend my son’s new club team and old club team played each other. My son’s new team won 4-0 and he played most of the game and played very well.

With Coach there, I found myself getting nervous because my son was playing so well. During the fall 2021 season Coach would pull my son out of high school games when he was doing well. Coach and Director didn’t want one of the school’s best players representing another club because that would bring in less money for the endorsed club. During the game last weekend, my son was safe to shine.

During that high school soccer season, my son asked Coach multiple times why he wasn’t getting more playing time and got a different answer each time.  Some of Coach’s replies included “you’re a good soccer player, but different” or “you’re one of the best players, let’s see what happens if I give you playing time.” After the latter comment my son eventually confronted Coach and asked why he wasn’t getting playing time if he was one of the best players. Coach realized his mistake and stopped saying he was one of the best players. But this past weekend, as my son’s new team was beating Coach’s team I kept thinking that “different” was kicking Coach’s ass.

During the fall 2021 soccer season, Coach got angry with my son and called him out in front of the whole team for not shaking his hand after two of the high school games. He asked my son if he was playing mind games with him. I found this interesting because Coach was actually revealing his own bias and projecting onto my son his own insidious and unethical intentions. Coach was playing mind games with my son and any other player who didn’t play for his club.

Last weekend at the end of the game, both teams lined up to give high fives and say “good game” to each other. This time my son high-fived Coach, but Coach couldn’t even look at my son – he just said my son’s name. The best part was that his current club coach, Coach B, was behind him – he literally had his back. In fact, Coach B called my son before the game to tell him that Coach would be coaching the opposing team and to let him know if Coach said anything to him. This meant the world to me and more importantly to my son.

Since this post is very long, I split it into two parts. In my next post A Weekend Victory – Part 2, I will talk about how to support your child if they are being gaslit.

Look for my book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety which will be available this summer.